April 2nd. Sunday
It’s worth saying that I am not the epitome of mental fortitude. I am by no means burdened by mental illness to the extent that many of my friends and acquaintances are, nor have I ever been on any medication for mental health. However, I am generally an anxious person. I tend to think about situations too much. I think about conversations I’ll have with friends hours in advance. I’ll extensively speculate how people will react to the things I tell them, usually to my detriment. However, I still get by just fine. My anxiety never causes me to miss classes or gets in the way of my social life in any huge way.
However, Accutane is messing with me. I have little doubt of that. At the same time, I know that due to my anxiety, I’m looking for anything and everything that seems uncharacteristic of me. Any of my own behavior that seems off I immediately attribute to Accutane. These two forces combined, I think, are really wearing on me. I feel much less collected than I did before spring break. I spent so much time before break just on my own, but not in a lonely way. As I said before, I’m an RA, and I’m very involved in the campus community. Thus, I have to be intentional about making time to decompress, and I found a really good balance between breakneck participation and finding myself before break and that’s long gone.
And still no major improvement. It might be worth it if I had anything to show for. I haven’t had any huge pimples in a while, which I’m thankful for, but those seemed to come and go anyways, so I’m not honestly sure if it’s measurable progress.
March 29th. Wednesday
I’m firmly settled, back a school, and yet something about college life seems very off. I expected that being back at school would kick my lethargy, and it has, but the uneasiness I felt in coming back home isn’t gone. Somehow, I feel unable to calm down and just breathe. I mentioned before that I’m an RA, and that adds a lot of pressures to regular college life. Between homework for classes, resident care, incident response, and dorm activities, I’ve barely had my head above water this semester.
Now feels strangely different though. I used to journal about what was going through my head, and I tried that today but didn’t get anywhere. I sat down with my notebook and started writing about a girl I just started seeing. I wanted to write down what was going through my head at the time, because (crumples up and tosses out Bro-cred) this was my first experience dating and I wanted to preserve what was going through my head at the time. However, instead of writing, I just looked at the paper and want to run. Or some part of my lower stomach did.
This is upsetting to me, because journaling is something I really enjoy and need to process stuff that’s happening in my life. A lot of the time I used to spend enjoying journaling, writing, or creating in some other way I now spend just in my head. I think about what other people will think about a thing, about what it might mean about my condition, or about nothing. I just get stuck sometimes.
I don’t know if this is Accutane or just me being weird as I’m readjusting to school. But this is properly strange. I don’t like it. It’s only week 3.