Graduation – Week 12

June 5th. Monday

It’s really frustrating how Accutane treats acne so slowly. I have wanted my acne gone for seven years. Acne has been the end of me and I’d like to celebrate its end. But I can’t do that because this change is so gradual. It is said that all good things happen slowly. Well. Piss on good things.

The other thing that freaks me out is my mental health. Because Accutane’s effects on me are so gradual, I don’t even know how I’ve changed since starting. That freaks me out so much. I haven’t woken up one day and been like, wow, I’m a lot dumber now that I was yesterday. It’s much slower and consequently more painful. I don’t know if I’m actually regressing in intelligence. But it feels a lot like that. I’m terrified that I’ve been a bumbling blubber tongue for the last three months.

I’m speaking at my high school’s graduation ceremony this year. A fellow grad and I are supposed to give this year’s class some advice and encouragement. She was one of my better friends in high school so I’m pretty excited to hang out and work on our part in the program. For some reason though, I keep dreading that I’ll do something stupid while we’re up there. I was sitting in the car on my way to the ceremony aand I started having this internal dialogue in my head. I was thinking about this skit I had seen about how men often unknowingly undermine women. In the video, this dude keeps talking over and belittling his fellow speaker, and it’s funny only because it’s scripted to make the dude look really dumb. I kept worrying that I’d do something like that. I kept trying to think about how bad I’d feel if I did that. And how bad I would look. I went a step further and thought of my apology, how I knew why what I did was wrong and how I messed up and that was learning. But I couldn’t. I was mentally unable to think of any reason why speaking over women was wrong. I could almost hear the whirring of my brain, like a computer when it gets excited about all the windows it has open and can’t get over itself.

It was awful not being able to communicate what you think or feel. It’s god awful. I don’t want to be here.

The red spot is still there.

60gs – Week 12

June 4th. Sunday

I’m feeling the difference. Or maybe being at home just sucks. I feel much less mentally coordinated. Messenger is my primary mode of communication with people in my life that matter and most of my conversations are fizzling out. I don’t want them to because I know how important it is for me to stay connected to people. But at the same time, I’m not at all inclined to share what I’m feeling at the moment. I’m much less trusting with feelings and secrets, which is saying a lot because I have notable trust issues. I don’t know what I’m feeling either. But I’m feeling a lot of it.

Home sucks. I will explain. I don’t jive with a lot of what my parents believe. However, I live in their house and eat their food and have been raised by them. I don’t know what they would do if I made it clear to them that I’m not on the same page religiously. So I haven’t. I just pretend. It’s exhausting. I’m not in a situation where I’m able to support myself completely yet, nor do I have friends at home who aren’t somehow connected to my parents, so I am here. Particularly after coming back from eight months of independence, having family commitments is also really tough. I’m used to having dinner whenever I want and spending my time how I want to. Now I have to have dinner with the family, take my sisters out to do stuff, or participate in forced family fun. I love my family. I love my sisters. But I also need my own time. I can’t truly appreciate everything my family has given me without spending this time with them, but I also need to maintain sanity.

That there red spot is still there.