November 30th. Thursday
I’m lost. The semester is at an end, I’m trying, succeeding, and failing to connect with my old self. I’m looking for ways to distract myself from the gnawing loneliness that is college life at a tiny tiny institution. It’s not going well. It’s not going poorly. It is going.
Every day, I have a packed schedule from breakfast to dinner. Sometimes I have class or work after dinner as well, but I usually end up with two or three odd hours of nothing. Since I got back to school after Thanksgiving break, I’ve been trying to make use of that time. I started reading for pleasure again, briefly. I picked up Turtles All the Way Down because our library bought a copy and it had been taunting me from the front desk display with a bunch of other new books. I like John Green but I think his books can be a bit excessive. I enjoy them no less for it, but I was avoiding this one for a while. I really enjoyed reading after I was done with work for the day, but the third night in someone checked out the book and I was left emptyhanded.
Relevant, conducive even, to this gnawing are developments with Emily. We are no longer talking. I decided after coming back that I needed more time to center myself and that starting something long-distance with her didn’t feel right at the moment. It was very civil. There were no tears or pouts or sad faces. Emily and I are both pretty dry when it comes to feelings. I definitely felt very confused while we tried to figure out what we wanted and needed. I definitely didn’t say everything I should have. I don’t think she did either. But I do think we said everything we needed to. Now we’re not talking. We’re letting the physical distance between us take its place. We both want to remain friends and in touch but I personally don’t think I can transition into that without some reorientation. So here we are.
No updates on the whole acne front. What a week.