November 26th. Sunday
Thanksgiving break has preyed once again upon us all. I went home to spend some time with the fam, which was actually not awful. Part of me was expecting it to be really nice to see them again, but another part of me was thinking there was a reason I hate home so much. I guess both were right. I forgot how impotent and stifled I feel at home. That space is too filled with angst and memories for me to do anything other than watch youtube videos and emotionally degenerate, which is exactly what I have memories of/where the angst comes from. I got over my family after about two hours. They’re fine. Sure they’re special, but so is everyone else in life. What WAS nice was space away from school and Emily. Emily and I talked about maybe leaving each other alone over break. We got in pretty deep this week about what we were doing and what we wanted/needed for ourselves and from each other. We landed in a place that was pretty compatible with the incoming break. We both wanted a relationship but both thought it was a bad idea, for different reasons. Time at home was a great distraction from her. We plan on settling things soon. One way or another.
I’m also feeling a whole lot better emotionally since leaving school. That place is like a sinkhole for mental stasis. Good time. Even though I’m confronted viscerally by the trauma of my childhood at home, sleeping in my room and doing the same things I did in elementary, middle, and high school, I feel so much more centered than I have in a while. This is especially reassuring after coming off of Accutane and not knowing who I am. I’m on my way back, and I believe that now.
I did get four pimples in the past week though. On the face. And that’s pissing me the hell off. Four. It’s some kind of joke. Two on the cheek and two on the forehead. They were all small but noticeable and of popping size. They all left marks, but none too too big. I’m so paranoid that as the Accutane continues to leave my system, I’ll be right back to where I started. Which is probably not going to happen, I know. But I’m still so freaked out.
I don’t think I’d do it all again.
Not anytime soon at least.
My face is once more so so so oily.