November 16th. Thursday
I’m not sure how I’m doing. My rela-friendship with Emily is weird. I didn’t write about it last week because there were other matters to discuss in that department, namely that I, with a love life that vaguely resembles Wade Wilson’s face, hooked up with someone. Last week, Emily and I were cruising. This week, I feel less certain. However, I think the part to note here is that my attitude towards her is different every week. Even if it is my MO (to flip mental states of being weekly), a healthy relationship should not fluctuate week to week. What’s more, this isn’t even a relationship. I’m confused as to why I’m even sustaining this with her. I think the rush of connection I get when sharing my life with her blinds me to all of the lingering fear, anxiety, and general griminess I’m feeling outside of it. I think it’s time to move on.
I’m feeling largely like myself. I can move and think at the same time now. I don’t get lost when trying to think about more than one thing at a time. I can remember things every once in a while. However, I still feel some slack. I think going easy on myself while on medication is catching up to me. I don’t think I try nearly as hard as I used to, and that’s driving me insane. I went rock climbing last night, and I gave up on the track(?) I was doing real fast. I tried a few more times, but I just wasn’t feeling it. I can’t stop thinking that I would have been able to continue pre-medication. I know that’s not a productive thought. But I can’t help it.
My face is suuuper oily again. Maybe not as oily as it used to be, but it’s on its way. My hair as well. I miss having drier hair. I used to be able to go a few days without shampoo but now it’s like clockwork again, every other day. I’m still spot-free though. This is what I paid for.