Hopeful Echoes – Post – Week 2

November 10th. Friday

I am returning back to normal. I’m finding all the pieces of myself I had left strewn about my life and slowly putting me back together. As an assignment for one of my dance classes, I turn in a journal entry every week about reflections I’ve had regarding the previous class. In the past month, the majority of my entries have been about how medication has inhibited my ability to dance. The journal has become more about Accutane than it is about dance, which is problematic academically but extremely useful for me, emotionally. This week, I journaled about looking for aspects of my personality. I’m living an intense identity crisis, and the terrified part of me that thinks I’ve changed irrevocably is looking for habits and thought patterns I used to engage with. I’m latching onto these, comforting myself by trying to force them back into my life. However, I am not these patterns; I am what inspires them in myself. So I’ve been looking for that deeper core of myself. This is all getting pretty weird and hairy, but rest assured I’m finding my way again. There’s attrition, there’s friction, but I’m getting there.

Something happened. I can’t find an elegant way to get into writing about this, so I won’t try. A friend of mine (who I wrote about a while back; the one who I was really close to but then got a girlfriend and whatnot), came here as a part of his tour. I went to see him play in Montpelier earlier in the semester and hung out with his chorus. I got along with one of them in particular, and we hung out quite a bit while she was here. I showed her around campus. She was very interested in dance, so I connected her with a dance professor. After their concert, we more or less snuck off together. I’m not one to put things bluntly, but I’m sure you can put one and two together (in a way that makes threes).

This was my second time. I’m not sure how I feel about hookups because this was my second time. It felt like a blitzkrieg of emotion and connection with someone I didn’t know at all. We spent something like three hours talking and hanging out before we went to my room, so I got to know her in a way. But also, I really didn’t know her. My outlook on my first few times doing anything is that it’s going to be strange and disorienting, and this was no exception. I know a big part of healthy sex is all about communicating what you want and don’t want, and we did some of that (not nearly as much as we could have, but we asked and provided input. it was real domestic like). However, I was definitely too on edge to calm down enough to communicate super freely. I’m much more stoic about it now than I was yesterday; I felt super weird about it yesterday. That’s fine though.

My nose’s 7-month-period is over, and my lips aren’t chapped anymore. I haven’t had a dry/rashy patch of skin in a while either. I noticed a good sized red bump on my shoulder. Which is fine. I wonder whether other Accutane users still get a spot here and there. The dermatologist told me at the beginning of this nightmare that sometimes people have to go through another course of Accutane like five years after their first one because their acne comes back. I guess I’ll have to keep track of whether I keep getting these bumps in the next few months/years. From what I understand, my acne is genetic or hormonal (or something else related to a decree from god himself) and OTC medications won’t get the job done. If I stop getting bumps, it means whatever was causing my acne has passed on. If I keep getting them, I’m assuming it’s only a matter of time before it comes back.

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