November 2nd. Thursday
It’s been over a week since I stopped. There’s much more me in me that I’m used to. I’ve been waiting for this for a long time, but I’m awfully confused now that it’s here. I’m stuck between this dysfunctional but comfortable Me and the now foreign-but-normal Me. It’s appreciably disorienting. I’m often lost in conversations, wondering how to act around people. While on medication, I noticed that I would talk a lot, but there wouldn’t be much purpose in it. I’d just blab thoughts. I’ve begun trying to listen more and talk only when I have something important or productive to say. It went well this morning. But I don’t want to extrapolate using such limited data.
My relationship with Emily is shook. This has something to do with me regaining some of my emotional capacity, I think. A week into being off medication, I was viscerally repelled by the kind of friendship/relationship I had with her. I was totally okay with it up until Monday, but I’m back to feeling like myself, meaning that I’m really really not okay with it now. I’ve spent more time being in between friendship and romance than I have dating someone. Emily and I have had many conversations about keeping an appropriate distance, and I think I was interacting with her in a healthy way for medication-me. But what I was doing isn’t healthy for me to sustain going forward. At very least, not in this transition period. I have too much hope for something to happen between us, which is not possible at the moment.
I’m much less chapped lately. My lips still chap, but they’re not nearly as bad, and I suspect most of it is from the habit I’ve developed of picking at them and licking them more often than I used to. Also, my skin as dry and flaky. I don’t have to put on moisutizer to cover it up. As often. I have a few times. Annnd, My nose has almost stopped bleeding entirely. I know this is a sign that the Accutane is leaving my body, but I have no idea where I am along that process. If all of the dryness-related symptoms stop, does that mean I’m clean? Will I have to wait longer than that even? I know I’ll feel as if I still have it in me for a good while longer.
I’m still somewhat flushed. I remember ar my check-ins, the dermatologist called it “The Glow.” I am aglow still.
And the spot is still there.