October 27th. Friday
It’s only the third day off and I’m noticing major differences in myself. There are moments when some thoughts are cloudy and out of reach, but there are many more moments when I’m able to think clearly and productively. I had a really good and sane and fulfilling conversation with a friend from home yesterday. I felt like I was able to follow along with everything she was saying, which is so nice for a change. I didn’t get lost trying to make sense of one thought and forget everything else she said. That used to happen a lot.
I’m also feeling more emotionally healthy. By that, I partly just mean I’m feeling emotions. I was looking at leaves on the late-Autumn trees and how the sun shone through them. I felt some happiness as opposed to the repressed imprint of it I’m used to feeling.
There was a horror movie screening that I definitely wasn’t planning on going to but got pulled into by the flow of traffic. I’ve been much more impressionable in the past few months. I’ve been much more scared in the past few months. I was afraid of walking through the forest trail between my dorm and the music building because there have been a lot of bear sightings recently. I used to walk down that path all the time. But I watched this horror movie and I was fine.
I know a lot of these indicators I’m getting of my return to Me are brought on my by own desire to be me again. But I’m feeling like myself. And I’m not going to try and stop that.