Coming Home.

October 27th. Friday

It’s only the third day off and I’m noticing major differences in myself. There are moments when some thoughts are cloudy and out of reach, but there are many more moments when I’m able to think clearly and productively. I had a really good and sane and fulfilling conversation with a friend from home yesterday. I felt like I was able to follow along with everything she was saying, which is so nice for a change. I didn’t get lost trying to make sense of one thought and forget everything else she said. That used to happen a lot.

I’m also feeling more emotionally healthy. By that, I partly just mean I’m feeling emotions. I was looking at leaves on the late-Autumn trees and how the sun shone through them. I felt some happiness as opposed to the repressed imprint of it I’m used to feeling.

There was a horror movie screening that I definitely wasn’t planning on going to but got pulled into by the flow of traffic. I’ve been much more impressionable in the past few months. I’ve been much more scared in the past few months. I was afraid of walking through the forest trail between my dorm and the music building because there have been a lot of bear sightings recently. I used to walk down that path all the time. But I watched this horror movie and I was fine.

I know a lot of these indicators I’m getting of my return to Me are brought on my by own desire to be me again. But I’m feeling like myself. And I’m not going to try and stop that.

Done – Week 33

October 25th. Wednesday.

I’m done. I decided this morning. I was supposed to go until Halloween but I’m just done.

I freaked out really bad last night. It felt like I had changed so much. I wasn’t the person I remembered I was. The last 32 weeks of entries may have been some indication, but I am a tad self-obsessed. Particularly with grooming my own presence and personality, I am beyond fixated. Accutane, being the bitch it is, terrifies me, because it inhibits aspects of my personality. Last night, I realized that I might be whittling down the thing I value most about myself. I could live with literally anything else. If I lost a hair follicle every day I was on Accutane, I’d still go through with it. Sure, I’d look like half-Heisenberg by the end, but I could own that. I can’t own foreign qualities in myself. I can’t do it. So I stopped.

Sure, I’m being paranoid, and sure, six days isn’t going to make a difference. If damage has been done, it’s been done. But I’m reaching a point where I’m too scared to go any further. Also, whenever I have a breakout, I write it down. My last breakout was on the 23rd of September. It has been a month since my last breakout. I have met the criteria. I am officially clean. Out. Done.

Now. I have 11 pills left. Oh, the possibilities. It sounds a bit sadistic, but I’ve decided I want to destroy each one in a different and extreme way. Inflict the same pain I’ve felt for the past 7 months upon them. I said I have 11 left. I should have 12, but I went out into the woods and smashed one with a rock. A big rock. I’m planning on burning another one. If I had a firecracker, I’d shove one inside and set it off. I might put one in a microwave. Wholesome stuff like that. Just a nice way to destress and debrief is all. 🙂

It has been 7 months and 10 days. 32 weeks. 224 days. Some unholy number of minutes, and an unholier number of seconds.

Canada! – Week 32

October 18th. Wednesday

I went to Canada! It was a weird and wonderful thing. A few friends and I decided to get off campus over a long weekend, and it was such a good decision. I keep forgetting how much school sucks you in. Being away has reminded me how much it’s necessary to be away.

We were in Montreal, and since school in VT is so small, we spent a lot of time just walking around the city. I’ve never been to a place with so much art. Literally every block had a mural on the side of a building, else on the sidewalk or storefront. It was so refreshing after only having spent time in cities dipped in dull tones of brick red or concrete grey. Montreal also seemed a lot friendlier than Chicago or Boston or New York. It was intimidating, navigating a city where English is somewhat of a noob language. They all know it, but they’ll still judge you for now speaking French.

Getting away from work and people at school was so good for me mentally. For a good four days, I only had to focus on eating, sleeping, and looking for fun things to do. I always forget how important it is to leave your normal life for a while and chill out. I forget to make my world a bit bigger than my routine.

I got some bumps on my right cheek. Not pimples, that I can tell so far. I’ll keep an eye on them and let you know.

I also got something that more resembled a pimple on my left cheek. It was just a little old thang, but I scratched it a tiny bit and it bled. My intuition is that it shouldn’t have been there 7 months in.

I almost lost my medicine case today. I usually punch out all of my pills from their packages and put them in a pill box. I misplaced the box today, and for a few minutes, there was hope. How glorious it would be to just stop taking Accutane right now. All of a sudden like. I’m getting so close.

So close.

Slump – Week 31

October 15th. Sunday

Things are going. Time is passing. Not nearly fast enough, but such is time.

This week has been strange. I had some really good mornings when I was able to grind out some major progress on a script I’m working on for my screenwriting class. That was so good for me. On the other hand, this Thursday was super lazy. I went to bed late on Wednesday, was woken up by a page, and had to respond to a medical emergency at 6am. I start my day at 7:30, but I decided to sleep in because I had gotten like 5 hours of sleep at the point. I slept in until 9:15, thinking I could catch breakfast before it ended at 9:30. By the time I got there the buffet line was wiped out, so I had a breakfast of orange slices. I was still pretty hungry at that point, and more than just disappointed, so I just went back to bed. I then woke up at 12:30 and went to lunch.

I get weird looks when I tell people I wake up at 7. Especially if they know I don’t have any classes in the week that start before 1pm. I don’t sleep in on weekdays and I only ever sleep until around 9 on weekends. With this in mind, after waking up at 12:30 on Thursday, I felt disgusting. Beyond that, I didn’t have the will to do any work. I think having a productive morning is vital to my having a productive day. And when I’m not productive, I start deteriorating.

The rest of the week was similar as well. I watch more movies this week than I usually do. Since I rarely have to do homework after dinner, I have this tendency to sit in my room and just get really sentimental. 3/5 nights I’ve ended up watching really sappy romance movies. It doesn’t help. Well, every once in a while, I watch one that I kinda jive with. 500 days of summer was alright.

I’ve gotten a few new pimples recently. One on my thigh and two on my arm. Only one of them was a pimple pimple… the other two were just angry bumps. I didn’t pop it. When it’s just one, I can spare the self control.

It’s frustrating that this is still happening, but it’s not on my face, so I’m not going to pay it any mind. I’m not going another month after this. Even if I do get something on my face. I am done.

There are been a few painful moments when I feel like I’m really not able to follow some part of a conversation. Something that I know I would have been able to keep up with before I was on medication. Stuff like this drives me insane.


Six Months – Week 30

October 7th. Saturday

I made a countdown calendar. I’ve never been one of those people. But I’ll find out who I am after this is over. My last day is Halloween. Weird, but I like it. I’m going to cross every day leading up to it.

I’ve found this last month to be a lot better than the ones before. I think it’s because the end is in sight. I also realized this is my 6th prescription. Which means if you’re spicy hot at scheduling appointments, it’s possible to get this done in just over six months instead of seven and a half.

I’ve been the usual up and down, emotional void this past week. I’m more optimistic, granted. And that makes a lot of things easier. But I can’t wait to get out of here.

I spent a lot of yesterday in bed. I didn’t have the energy for anything. Or… willpower rather. It was one of those days when there are a million things you can do so you start all of them but then are too stressed to continue doing any of them. After a while, I just gave up and went to my room. I ended up watching some Youtube videos for a few hours, something I forbid myself to do while I’m at school. I injured my leg in a rehearsal earlier in the day, which added to my lethargy.

All of this time I spent in bed reminded me of how my face used to feel when I had it up against a surface for any significant amount of time. I would start noticing a kind of stinging after a bit, and then came the dread of wondering whether that spot would be the stomping ground of a new breakout. I didn’t feel any fear yesterday.