September 21st. Thursday
I’m feeling really low. I’m careful with the word depression. I don’t like slinging it around. But that’s sorta what it feel. I’ve been going about my daily schedule and everything seems really dreary. Writing has lost its appeal. I’m discovering new relationships between characters but it’s not as exhilarating as it used to be.
I’m trying to change where I do work. Constantly. I find changes like that necessary, else I just get really moody and sad. I usually work in the library or coffee shop. Today, I’ve chosen to work an empty classroom. I’ll have to move if there’s a class, but the cosmetic difference is kinda turning my world around.
I look fine. I was remembering this morning how I want to be able to roll out of bed and not think about how other people were looking at me (specifically regarding acne). I am comfortably in that reality now. I don’t notice the difference though. I mean that the change has been gradual and my perception of that change has been as well. I don’t appreciate being acne free as much as I would like to appreciate it. As much as I thought I would.
In some ways, it’s weirdly worse, this stage of treatment. During my last check-in, I was at the point where I was having breakouts pretty infrequently. At this point, I’m only still on Accutane to make that infrequently into a never. Which means that I’m not seeing any change. I’m just suffering mentally.
I’m going to see Smash Mouth live on Saturday.