September 14th. Thursday
I’ve been here before. Every time, I remember having the question, “this is bad but is this depression?” Obviously not a great question to ask yourself. I’m again in the headspace where I’m not looking forward to anything. I wake up tired and bored, wanting to go right back to sleep. I have body aches. I don’t know how I feel about anything.
Last week was prime. I got my homework done, I spent time with friends, I worked out, I played piano, and I spent time on personal projects. I’ve still been plenty productive this week, but in a much more frantic way. I’m not sure what changed. I do tend to freak out like this as soon as I get used to things. My boss and I talked about how we were both pretty bored in life at the moment. Like neither of us is looking forward to much. Bored is such a tame word, though it seems to get a pretty extreme reaction out of me.
Right now, piano and exercise are the only meaningful outlets I have. Communicating is harder and harder to do meaningfully. In some ways, I have stopped trying. People on campus seem much less viable dumping ground (emotional) all of a sudden. I had three significant confidants on campus last year. This year, one is taking a semester abroad, one is going through a lot as well and seems more distant, and the third one might have a crush on me which makes sharing with them super weird. I would normally be able to navigate any of these; maybe all three at the same time. But at the moment, I have nothing.
This has led me to reach out to others. I have a school friend from semester who’s now in NYC who was also on Accutane at some point. I talked to her about my fear of being permanently damaged by this. She said I’d be fine. Which is probably true. I believe I will be my old self after November 1st. But I’m fucking terrified at the same time because the life I’m living now is god awful. I’m scared. I’m so scared. I’ve been so scared for so long.
I also talked to two friends from home. Less helpful. Both of them were all about digging into the emotional cesspool of fear and vulnerability and desolate sadness that is my psyche to figure out how I feel. Which is great advice. But I’m afraid of acknowledging some things that might be down there.
It’s whirlwind of a week. I hope winter’s short