August 29th. Tuesday
I got a ridiculous amount of free time over RA training. Most of our sessions ran short, meaning we had a lot of time to kill. I’d have been okay if I had more to do, but I really don’t lately. I have a hard time being productive when my schedule is volatile like it is now. It would have helped if I had more stuff to set up in my room. But I don’t. There are only so many ways you can arrange two suitcases and a bed. I don’t have any bosom friends in the RA group; I’m friendly with all of them but I don’t hang out with any, really. I’m pretty bored, to be honest.
Lately, I’m spending a lot of time with Ella, the international student from last year. The camping trips lasted a week, meaning that she’s only been back for like three days. But the trip she was one was only a short hike away from campus, so I visited them once while they were out. Since they got back, however, Ella and I have gotten a lot closer. Despite my rigid routine, we’ve spent the last two nights rock climbing and playing piano for hours. Also, since she’s not a student, she doesn’t have much in the way of housing arrangements, so she’s been sleeping in my room.
I like Ella. I like like Ella. But she’s got a person at home and she’s only here for another few days, so I don’t see any reason to push things with her. Nothing has happened between us. And I’m okay with that. Stop bringing it up.
Ella’s been a great distraction from my overtime job of hyper-analyzing my own consciousness. So far, romance is one of the only emotional stimulants I’ve found that works while I’m on Accutane. I haven’t felt this much of anything in a long time. Maybe since Anna.
August 20th. Sunday
I picked up my new prescription today. I shortly after realized that my prescription for 80mg/day (two 40mg pills) is a different brand than all of my previous prescriptions. Before I was on Claravis and now I’m taking Amnesteen. I don’t know how much of a difference this will make. I imagine none. I fear it’ll make things worse. I hope it’ll be tamer than my previous prescriptions.
Today was wonderful though. RA training begins tomorrow, so I had all of today to put some finishing touches on my room and break it in. There were also a lot of other people hanging around; there’s this program at school where all new students go camping for a week before the term starts, and it’s led by returning students. A lot of those leaders are friends, and I got to hang out with them. The camping trips started today, and I tagged along/ferried supplies for a trip led by said friends in the evening. They had an awesome batch of new students, and spending time in that fledgling community was really cool.
Also, an international student I’m friends with was visiting/on the trip, and I got to hang out with her. A lot of hanging out of me today… She was only here for a semester last year, but we were pretty close at the beginning of that year. It was lovely to catch up with her a bit. My dorm is right next to a patch of forest, and as I was sitting in front of my door, waiting for the new students to put their stuff in their rooms, she appeared from between two trees. It was startling. Someone said something about her visiting around this time, but I had completely forgotten.
Things are looking up today.
August 19th. Saturday
Back. I am back. I am back at school. I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around this.
I’ve waited for two and a half months to be back a school. It’s surreal being back.
After setting up my room, I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t think I’d be done so fast. I was hanging out with another RA friend at some point and I remember wanting to have some sort of movie night with the whole team. But fifteen minutes later I just wanted to curl up into a ball in my room. I’ve been rationing my remaining pills, and maybe since I’m ingesting less of this stuff, I’m going through withdrawal. Or maybe being back, in such a different environment, around people again, has my jimmies thoroughly rustled. I ended up watching a movie in my room alone. Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. I often find it hard to get lost in fantasy movies. usually The plots are usually too farfetched and the characters too simple. But for some reason, this one hit me hard. I think my emotions are running wilder than they usually are. I’m usually pretty contained. And cynical…
I find every discrepancy (perceived or measurable) from the behavior of my past self extremely alarming. I don’t know how to handle it.
August 15th. Tuesday!
Today today today today today! I left today!
My check-in went. Check-in 4 was super cool, but this one felt rushed. Even so, I told my dermatologist everything that was happening with me. I asked her about working out and she said it was fine. I asked her about the great red spot and she said it would go away. Which is what she said two months ago, and I’m skeptical about, but I’m not going to make a fuss of it at the moment. I’m currently sitting at 90mg/kg. I want to be between 120 and 150mg/kg. We’re planning on bumping up the dosage to 80mg/day. This will land me at around 130mg/kg, which is in the target remission zone. She said that she wanted me to go a month without breakouts. I’m not so confident that’s going to happen this coming month, but I can hope.
AHHHH. I left today. YESSS. I’m driving to Chicago to stay with some friends along the way. Tomorrow, I’ll be in uncharted territory. For me. Other people have charted the hell out of it.
I can not wait. I’ve been waiting for so long to leave and now it’s done. I’m on my way back to school.
August 10th. Thursday
My shoulders are looking so much better than they used to, and not just because I’m working out now. There’s plenty of scarring, sure, but the red spots are all gone. I get them every once in a while, but they’re not usually visible unless I look for them. I also haven’t had a breakout on my face in a while. I had one yesterday, but it had been something like a week between this one and my last one.
My check-in is so soon. Which means I leave for school so soon. I cannot convey to you the gravity of this.
August 7th. Monday
I’m suuuuper forgetful. I went to the Y yesterday and I forgot my card in the car. Then I went to get it and I forgot my water bottle. This sort of thing happened when I was at school during finals week, when I had 15 things to do every hour. I don’t know why it’s happening now… I’m not doing nearly as much. My days are pretty full, working full-time, working out, working on this blog, existing at home… but I’ve kept the number of things I’m doing pretty low. At school, I actually have a metric ton of projects I was responsible for and classes I had homework due for and the like. Now, I’m not sure. Maybe dosage has something to do with it?
I’m chugging along.