June 5th. Monday
It’s really frustrating how Accutane treats acne so slowly. I have wanted my acne gone for seven years. Acne has been the end of me and I’d like to celebrate its end. But I can’t do that because this change is so gradual. It is said that all good things happen slowly. Well. Piss on good things.
The other thing that freaks me out is my mental health. Because Accutane’s effects on me are so gradual, I don’t even know how I’ve changed since starting. That freaks me out so much. I haven’t woken up one day and been like, wow, I’m a lot dumber now that I was yesterday. It’s much slower and consequently more painful. I don’t know if I’m actually regressing in intelligence. But it feels a lot like that. I’m terrified that I’ve been a bumbling blubber tongue for the last three months.
I’m speaking at my high school’s graduation ceremony this year. A fellow grad and I are supposed to give this year’s class some advice and encouragement. She was one of my better friends in high school so I’m pretty excited to hang out and work on our part in the program. For some reason though, I keep dreading that I’ll do something stupid while we’re up there. I was sitting in the car on my way to the ceremony aand I started having this internal dialogue in my head. I was thinking about this skit I had seen about how men often unknowingly undermine women. In the video, this dude keeps talking over and belittling his fellow speaker, and it’s funny only because it’s scripted to make the dude look really dumb. I kept worrying that I’d do something like that. I kept trying to think about how bad I’d feel if I did that. And how bad I would look. I went a step further and thought of my apology, how I knew why what I did was wrong and how I messed up and that was learning. But I couldn’t. I was mentally unable to think of any reason why speaking over women was wrong. I could almost hear the whirring of my brain, like a computer when it gets excited about all the windows it has open and can’t get over itself.
It was awful not being able to communicate what you think or feel. It’s god awful. I don’t want to be here.
The red spot is still there.