June 4th. Sunday
I’m feeling the difference. Or maybe being at home just sucks. I feel much less mentally coordinated. Messenger is my primary mode of communication with people in my life that matter and most of my conversations are fizzling out. I don’t want them to because I know how important it is for me to stay connected to people. But at the same time, I’m not at all inclined to share what I’m feeling at the moment. I’m much less trusting with feelings and secrets, which is saying a lot because I have notable trust issues. I don’t know what I’m feeling either. But I’m feeling a lot of it.
Home sucks. I will explain. I don’t jive with a lot of what my parents believe. However, I live in their house and eat their food and have been raised by them. I don’t know what they would do if I made it clear to them that I’m not on the same page religiously. So I haven’t. I just pretend. It’s exhausting. I’m not in a situation where I’m able to support myself completely yet, nor do I have friends at home who aren’t somehow connected to my parents, so I am here. Particularly after coming back from eight months of independence, having family commitments is also really tough. I’m used to having dinner whenever I want and spending my time how I want to. Now I have to have dinner with the family, take my sisters out to do stuff, or participate in forced family fun. I love my family. I love my sisters. But I also need my own time. I can’t truly appreciate everything my family has given me without spending this time with them, but I also need to maintain sanity.
That there red spot is still there.