June 25th. Sunday
I quit my job for a better job. I know I said I liked it, but I didn’t have anything better. Also, it continued to be stressful. My efficiency numbers didn’t stay so high for long. Makes me wonder how accurate they actually are… But I’m at a new job now. Pays slightly better. It’s just as far but involves more highway driving. I like it. But I liked the other job and quit, so we’ll see if I really like this one.
Those big bumps are still a thing. I’m hoping it’s more internal detox than it is a new and scary development. I couldn’t handle that. I now have one in my left thigh crease, between my leg and no-no-zone. It’s the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Every time I move my leg, it hurts. Every time.
My arms are suuuper dry. They look all peely and sting constantly. It sorta looks as if they have a rash, and I’m concerned that it is a rash. But I put moisturizer on it and it goes away, so it might also just be very dry. I first noticed it happening when I had been listing a box at work and my arms rubbed up against a lot of dusty cardboard. Who knows. If it keeps bothering me, I’ll ask about it.
The great red colored spot is still there. And I started working out again. I still don’t know if this is allowed or recommended.
June 14th. Wednesday
Work is turning out to be a good distraction. A good escape from home and boredom and mental cannibalism. It’s stressful, it can be unpleasant, sure. But the only difference is that at work, I’m making money. It’s time better spent. My job’s kinda fulfilling too. I got the highest efficiency numbers in our department yesterday.
I also started journaling again. It was awesome. For the first time in a long while, I was able to get thoughts down on paper and out of my being. I never get that feeling anymore. Every time I tried journaling at school after starting medication, journaling was almost more stressful than therapeutic. I think this was because I was jogging up emotions that I hadn’t yet processed and trying to process them all at the same time. This was ineffective and I ended up with more anxiety than when I started. Today, when I journaled, I was able to get everything on my mind out onto paper. I did it in a way that helped me acknowledge what I was feeling and progress from there. Also, I didn’t feel safe keeping the journal at home, so I hid it in the library close to my house.
I’m getting weird bumps. Big bumps. Like pimples, just big and light pink instead of white. There just under a centimeter in size and kinda painful when touched. I’ve only gotten one of my face, but a lot more on my legs and lower back. I think they’re just deeper versions of the kinds of acne I usually get on my face.
The spot is still there.
June 9th. Friday
Family life is getting to be way too much for me. I haven’t left the house for anything I would even remotely consider to be enjoyable in over a week. I’m so cooped up and I have no one to talk to about what’s been on my mind. I think about running away on a daily basis. Not seriously, but I think about it. I’ve actually made a getaway plan if anything goes wrong. But I’m not going to leave because it’s just unpleasant.
I’ve started working in a factory. I applied at Walmart but this place pays better. I also get to drive around this cool elevator cart thing that takes me like 30 feet off the ground. It’s pretty cool. I’m a picker, which means I make custom orders by zooming around racks and racks of shelves, picking the exact number of product that a customer needs. It’s a really neat job.
I’m planning on getting a car to take back with me to school in the fall. I have to do something with the extra dough I’m making. Also, it makes fantasies about running away more plausible.
June 5th. Monday
It’s really frustrating how Accutane treats acne so slowly. I have wanted my acne gone for seven years. Acne has been the end of me and I’d like to celebrate its end. But I can’t do that because this change is so gradual. It is said that all good things happen slowly. Well. Piss on good things.
The other thing that freaks me out is my mental health. Because Accutane’s effects on me are so gradual, I don’t even know how I’ve changed since starting. That freaks me out so much. I haven’t woken up one day and been like, wow, I’m a lot dumber now that I was yesterday. It’s much slower and consequently more painful. I don’t know if I’m actually regressing in intelligence. But it feels a lot like that. I’m terrified that I’ve been a bumbling blubber tongue for the last three months.
I’m speaking at my high school’s graduation ceremony this year. A fellow grad and I are supposed to give this year’s class some advice and encouragement. She was one of my better friends in high school so I’m pretty excited to hang out and work on our part in the program. For some reason though, I keep dreading that I’ll do something stupid while we’re up there. I was sitting in the car on my way to the ceremony aand I started having this internal dialogue in my head. I was thinking about this skit I had seen about how men often unknowingly undermine women. In the video, this dude keeps talking over and belittling his fellow speaker, and it’s funny only because it’s scripted to make the dude look really dumb. I kept worrying that I’d do something like that. I kept trying to think about how bad I’d feel if I did that. And how bad I would look. I went a step further and thought of my apology, how I knew why what I did was wrong and how I messed up and that was learning. But I couldn’t. I was mentally unable to think of any reason why speaking over women was wrong. I could almost hear the whirring of my brain, like a computer when it gets excited about all the windows it has open and can’t get over itself.
It was awful not being able to communicate what you think or feel. It’s god awful. I don’t want to be here.
The red spot is still there.
June 4th. Sunday
I’m feeling the difference. Or maybe being at home just sucks. I feel much less mentally coordinated. Messenger is my primary mode of communication with people in my life that matter and most of my conversations are fizzling out. I don’t want them to because I know how important it is for me to stay connected to people. But at the same time, I’m not at all inclined to share what I’m feeling at the moment. I’m much less trusting with feelings and secrets, which is saying a lot because I have notable trust issues. I don’t know what I’m feeling either. But I’m feeling a lot of it.
Home sucks. I will explain. I don’t jive with a lot of what my parents believe. However, I live in their house and eat their food and have been raised by them. I don’t know what they would do if I made it clear to them that I’m not on the same page religiously. So I haven’t. I just pretend. It’s exhausting. I’m not in a situation where I’m able to support myself completely yet, nor do I have friends at home who aren’t somehow connected to my parents, so I am here. Particularly after coming back from eight months of independence, having family commitments is also really tough. I’m used to having dinner whenever I want and spending my time how I want to. Now I have to have dinner with the family, take my sisters out to do stuff, or participate in forced family fun. I love my family. I love my sisters. But I also need my own time. I can’t truly appreciate everything my family has given me without spending this time with them, but I also need to maintain sanity.
That there red spot is still there.