May 30th. Tuesday
I did it. For a lot of reasons. Who knows if they were the right ones.
Being back home was good for like two days. Past those two days, it’s been awful. Home is not a place where I can be who I am, nor is it a place where I can interact with people the way I want to. I can’t have a girlfriend at home. Which makes having a girlfriend while at home really painful. It doesn’t feel like a relationship when all you have is text, and Skype when you’re allowed out of the house once a week.
And in the times we do get to communicate, I’m so emotionally desolate, being isolated from people so regularly and on Accutane, that I’m barely able to hold anything other than a simple pleasant conversation. Emotions are strange and fuzzy and do not like to be known. I feel so much less empathetically capable. I can’t get too far out of my own head to relate to others at the moment, and that’s just a little bit important in a relationship.
Also, Anna’s not coming back next semester.
This is not the right time for me to be in a relationship. Candidly, I knew this weeks ago, when I decided to get involved with Anna. I knew that being on medication was something would get in the way of an emotionally prosperous. And I’m not saying that you can’t still get involved with someone when you’re in this sort of situation… I just didn’t set up expectations properly. But I need this to be done.
May 27th. Saturday
Second check-in last Thursday. I hit em hard with the tough questions. I was all like “yo spice dog, what’s this red/maroon lookin’ joint on my upper cheek about?” And she was like “that’s fineeeee, it’ll be gone soon.” And I was like “It’s been there for like 6 weeks.” And she was like “lol.” I’m not really sure what the hoedown is on that… I hope it goes away life she said but I’m honestly skeptical.
Also, my dosage was jacked up to 60mg/day. Fun stuff. I’m not as scared as I should be about this. My experience with Accutane has been bad but it’s about to get significantly worse.
Breakouts are on the down-low though. I’m used to having one every day or every other day. Now I’m at one every four or five days. Which is straight up measurable improvement. It’s huge to see that Accutane is making a difference. Definitively. This suffering is not for nothing. I’ve been afraid for a while that Accutane wasn’t going to work. Accutane is the last resort, and if it doesn’t work, I don’t know what else there is to try. But it has worked so far.
However, that means that I have another few months of this to slog through. Which is hardly any consolation.
May 17th. Wednesday
I’ve been feeling a lot better lately. School done. I’m currently chilling in the Dean’s backyard this week, which is apparently a viable space for chilling around here. I’m not quite sure how I ended up here, but I’m glad I did. Being both away from home and done with school is a weird and wonderful thing. There’s nothing I have to do, which is a situation I am rarely in. It’s very good for me. Being so busy was unhealthy. Being busy; not having time to think exacerbated a lot of the trauma I was feeling. I’m feeling a whole lot better than I was last week. But I have been skipping pills to get me to my next check-in day, so that might have something to do with it.
Anna and I (and a mutual friend) are all camping out in the Dean’s backyard. We both booked flights back home a week after the end of school, so we had to do something with the time we had here. It’s been nice, having a week of just being together. Home isn’t a great place for either of us. I’ve experienced my first enjoyable lazy day here. Without anything much to do, my mind doesn’t freak out about me possibly missing things. There’s nothing to miss here. We’ve spent a lot of time hanging out in streams and walking around the quaint little New England town the Dean lives in.
Big breakout the other day. A rather unflattering one. I’m used to having more frequent breakouts when I’m living less domestically (in a tent, spending time outside, etc.), so I’m surprised I’ve only had one so far. But it’s no less awful. Also, there’s the red spot on my face that’s been hanging out for a while. I’d say like a month so far. I thought it was just a pimple at first, but the redness never went away even after it ran its course. It has a dark and sinister tint to it. I’m planning on asking about it at my next check-in.
May 14th. Sunday
I low-key flipped out today. Today is the last day of campus housing. They’re kicking us all out. And by ‘they’ I sorta mean myself. As a representative of residential life.
Anyways, today is packing day. Today, I pack up the habits, routines, and the life I’ve created over the last four months into three suitcases and ship off home. More on that later. Back to the flipping out part. I enjoy packing. I enjoy organizing and planning and folding and putting and all parts of the process. However, hopped up as I am, having no time or ability to let off steam since spring break, I’m frantic. On the agenda for today is breakfast, graduation, some mix of packing and saying goodbye to friends, and then leaving by 4pm.
Graduation ends and I’m in the dining hall going through this weird emotional blitz of being stressed about the beginning of summer and internally sobbing, thinking about how I won’t see people again for three months. I keep oscillating between the two, like a socially/emotionally troubled tower fan. But I get through it and make it into the quagmire: My room. I’m not a messy person. I am a busy person though. My desk is usually a mess. Balled up socks sometimes miss my hamper and end up on the floor next to it. Little stuff like that. However, in preparation for summer, I began pulling up roots about a week ago. I have small piles of stuff strewn across the floor, awaiting different suitcases. My lights and lamps are all in one corner of the room, most of them belonging to the storage room in the basement. I have things that will go home with me, things for an imminent camping trip, and things that will stay at school with a friend. And trying to take it all in is not a good thing for me to do.
It was a mess, but thus far, it was a manageable mess. I might have made it out in as few as three pieces if I hadn’t tried to do it all at once. I would start working on one pile, sorting out the clothes that I was keeping in VT over the summer into a suitcase. But then I would encounter something that went in another pile and start working on that pile. Then I would remember something that was supposed to go in the storage room and work on that pile. Then I would take stuff from the storage room pile to the storage room, but when I got back to my room, I’d see three other things that were supposed to go to the storage room. I’d give up on the storage room and get back to the things that were staying in VT, and the cycle would repeat. I also had to make sure all the residents in my building got out of their rooms by 4pm. And that all the common spaces in our building were clean so that we didn’t get fined. I ended up just throwing things into their respective suitcases, hoping I didn’t leave anything I needed at home in VT.
I don’t know what this means. It just sucked. A lot. I don’t ever want to be in this kind of situation again.
May 10th. Wednesday
I’m in a bad way… Finals are over and done with but that hardly means I have time to be. I have RA training for the following semester. I have RA events to plan. I have a room to pack up. I want to spend time with friends before we all leave for break. I have somewhat of a relationship. I’m being pulled in a lot of different directions and soon I’ll be in a lot of places at once.
I’m so tired… I’ve been in situations like this before. It’s my nature to be involved in many things, but I’m able to do it effectively and gracefully. Or at very least non-self-destructively. This is not the case right now.
Maybe it would also help if the work I Was doing right now felt important. Training is kinda dumb. Being an RA is an important job, and there is a lot of protocol you need to know. But that’s now what we’re learning right now. This is more the hokey team building garbage variety of training. There are good team builders. And then there’s making shapes with rope on the ground as a group and talking about how they made us feel. I think my time could be used much more effectively. Even if I was doing absolutely nothing. Especially if I was doing absolutely nothing. I didn’t know I would ever feel this way, but I’m actually excited for the year to be over.
May 8th. Monday
I just realized something… I was taken’ a sneaky peek at myself in the reflection in my laptop screen and I noticed something. Just sittin’ in the library hall, writing my essay, when all of a sudden, BOOM. Big observation. Huge. Much bigg.
My face isn’t oily anymore. No shine. Usually, by about 10am, I can put a fingernail to my nose and it comes away gleaming. It’s actually quite pretty, the fingernail. My face on the other hand, less so.
This is pretty big. This is working. This is great. !!!. I can’t believe I hadn’t noticed until now, but this is phenomenal. The actual number of breakouts hasn’t noticeably decreased but this is a huge start. I don’t really have words for how relieving it is to have some payoff for taking this blood pact demon drug death wish fulfillment program.
Maybe related, I’ve been really sore when sitting on the ground lately. My knees and legs hurt a lot. I can sit in one position (cross legged, kneeling, etc.) for a few minutes before it gets uncomfortable. Some of them start out uncomfortable. It’s a mess. I was playing with Legos the other day and it was agony.
School is coming to an end. The essay is done, which is a huge load off my shoulders. But housing closure is coming up and I’ll be home soon, so the stress hasn’t gone anywhere. I’m just not going to think about it right now.