April 28th. Friday
Maybe it’s my nature, but there’s are a million and one things on my mind right now and I’m acknowledging none of them. I’m still really confused about whether I like Anna or not. RA work is a constant drone. My econ paper is coming along, but slowly, which is freaking me out like nothing else in this world.
I have a friend who I felt a lot closer to before spring break than after it. I’m altogether less inclined to share feelings (with him or anyone) while being on Accutane, which means I feel somewhat distant in all my friendships; however, this one pointedly so. He got together with this girl he liked, which is great and I’m stoked and feel happy in all the ways you’re supposed to feel when two of your friends get together and no longer hang out with anyone else. I’m not bitter. Stop bringing it up.
I feel like I should talk to him about how I feel. And how we literally stopped hanging out altogether. But I don’t feel equipped at the moment to have that conversation. I’m lately prone to letting feelings bottleneck at my vocal chords and cause a blockage. I’m not mad at him as much as I am sad and disappointed. It’s a delicate conversation to go about and I’m not up to it at the moment.
Another thing… with finals around the corner, it’s all-nighter season. I’ve gotten through most finals weeks without forgoing too much sleep. I usually find myself staying up late for a single night and getting most of my work done that night. But I’m only up until one or two AM on these occasions. I’m able to do this without any major fatigue the following day. Not the case now. I was up late last night writing and I slept in this morning. Not something I usually do. Not something I have time to do right now. I was just so tired though.
This is what I was talking about last entry. This sort of stuff kills me. I used to be able to pull all-nighters and function fine the following day. Now, I can’t. I HATE feeling like I’m able to do less than I was previously able to do. Like I’m regressing in ability. Even when I’m not on brain-blending drugs, I spend a good portion of my waking life thinking about it.
Having measurable results of regression is beyond breaking.