April 27th. Thursday
Positive energy is short lived. There’s too much to think about for me to sustain my volatile chipper disposition.
I have a final paper due in a week. I was thinking to myself, if I can get three pages done today, I’ll give myself the rest of the day off and do something fun. But then I tried thinking about what I might do that could be fun… and I couldn’t come up with anything. How fucked is that? The problem isn’t that fun is now out of my reach. The problem is that enjoyment is very fleeting for me right now. I’ll have really funny conversations with people, but I’m miserable only five minutes later.
I’ve tried journaling about how I feel – about this fleeting happiness thing. It isn’t working. I usually come out of a journal entry feeling recentered and equipped to deal with whatever problems I’m facing. At the very least, I end up knowing and appreciating what the problems are, even if I can’t solve them. Now, as I stare at the blank page of my journal, I only think about all of the tasks on my list of things to do, how soon finals are coming, and how little time I have left at school. It seems to me that the world is spinning a bit faster. No, it feels like the world is spinning just as fast as it always has. I’m just a bit slower.
I’m not very good at handling feelings like that. I’m not good at feeling incapable, or less capable than I should be. That’s the thing that kills me every day, more than the dry skin or the chapped lips or anything else.