April 25th. Tuesday
I’m feeling good. I feel like myself again. If there’s one thing that has changed about my mental health since I started taking Accutane, it’s that I have not been feeling like myself. But today I do. I’m not sure what happened.
I’ve been enjoying conversations with people a lot more. I’m more involved in social things, beyond just being present. I have a need to feel like I’m communicating eloquently, and I believe I am doing that again. Which is such a relief.
I made up with Anna. I’m really lost here. I’ve noticed a considerable deterioration in my ability to talk to people about feelings. I’ve noticed a considerable deterioration in my feelings while we’re on the subject. To be candid, part of the reason I made up with her was that it was easier than going about life and not talking or interacting.
It’s worth saying that I’ve gotten more pills. Someone was driving into town and I hitched a ride with them. I keep saying this, but Accutane should not have this immediate an effect on me. I don’t have it in my system one day and not the next – it takes time to settle in and it probably takes time to get out. Maybe I subconsciously believe it’s going to have an immediate effect and I end up feeling different because of that belief. I don’t know.
To further this point, my face seems very clear today. It’s strange; at the beginning of this week, I thought to myself, this clearly isn’t working. Now, at the end of the week, I’ve completely changed my mind and think that I’m ready to get off Accutane. My face is less peely. This actually freaked me out a bit. I was paranoid that it had stopped working. I seem to change my mind about what’s happening to me every 15 minutes.
It has been almost six weeks since I started taking Accutane. I don’t know whether to believe this is making a difference or not. If it is, it’s veeeeeery gradual. If it isn’t, well I’ll be livid.