March 29th. Wednesday
I’m firmly settled, back a school, and yet something about college life seems very off. I expected that being back at school would kick my lethargy, and it has, but the uneasiness I felt in coming back home isn’t gone. Somehow, I feel unable to calm down and just breathe. I mentioned before that I’m an RA, and that adds a lot of pressures to regular college life. Between homework for classes, resident care, incident response, and dorm activities, I’ve barely had my head above water this semester.
Now feels strangely different though. I used to journal about what was going through my head, and I tried that today but didn’t get anywhere. I sat down with my notebook and started writing about a girl I just started seeing. I wanted to write down what was going through my head at the time, because (crumples up and tosses out Bro-cred) this was my first experience dating and I wanted to preserve what was going through my head at the time. However, instead of writing, I just looked at the paper and want to run. Or some part of my lower stomach did.
This is upsetting to me, because journaling is something I really enjoy and need to process stuff that’s happening in my life. A lot of the time I used to spend enjoying journaling, writing, or creating in some other way I now spend just in my head. I think about what other people will think about a thing, about what it might mean about my condition, or about nothing. I just get stuck sometimes.
I don’t know if this is Accutane or just me being weird as I’m readjusting to school. But this is properly strange. I don’t like it. It’s only week 3.